about faith

these days i suddenly realized what "losing your faith in God" means.
not the serious way, like having a close someone fatally sick or having bad luck for weeks in a row,
but more like every day stuff, like praying.
when i was little, i used to pray every night. i would never go to sleep without those magic "Our Father who art in heaven.." words, because i believed that if i didn't say them, bad dreams would come along.
back then, i really believed in what i said, i could even picture an old wise man sitting on a cloud and
looking down on me proud.
i still pray, but now it's more like a habit. i say the words without even processing them,
and when i lay my head on the pillow, i can't even remember if i did or didn't pray.
even my beliefs changed.
i still think that something greater than us is out there, but the image of Heaven's
clouds and angels and halos somehow slowly faded away.
"i'll rot in hell" changed into "i'll rot in jail".
and when you think about it, it's a bit sad
because the world has to be a bit more
than an atom that one day decided to burst, right?

i've been listening to Use Somebody by Kings of Leon

i've been reading War and Peace by Lev Tolstoy

i've been watching Grey's Anatomy